


Loopholes

by Ferengiphanatic



Category: Good Omens, Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Chronic Pain Crowley, Fluff, M/M, a certain snake shedding skin, an unreasonable aziraphale who always gets what he wants, maybe a bit of a crisis and probably a lot of weeping on the bookstore floor in a tartan blanket, mention of noodles, nasty archangel gabriel, very choppy tsunamis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 05:03:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21221027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ferengiphanatic/pseuds/Ferengiphanatic
Summary: A certain angel doesn't realize when he's being unreasonable about food and gets discorporated. Crowley has a crisis on the bookshop floor. Fluff, as usual.





	Loopholes

“You do know why you’re here, Aziraphale?” said Gabriel with an angry look in his lilac eyes. Heaven’s office space looked pristine as ever.

Aziraphale folded his hands in his lap and looked up at him like a scolded puppy.

“Because I got discorporated,” he said defeatedly.

“Stupidly discorporated.” Gabriel slammed his hands down on the desk for emphasis.

Aziraphale flinched then collected himself enough to look scandalized. 

“I had my reasons!”

“That’s the problem. They weren’t God’s reasons. You weren’t even supposed to be anywhere near there.” Gabriel paced the room. Aziraphale took a deep breath.

“Look, if you would just go there and experience the place you’d understand what I did was completely valid and… and for the greater good. For the good of humanity, dare I say.” Firmly, he said, “I did the right thing.”

“Listen to yourself. That’s ridiculous. Flat out ridiculous, and you know it. You can’t just go around doing reckless miracles like that!” If an angel could fume, Gabriel was fuming.

“I saved the entire town and I will not be spoken to like I’m a petulant child!”

Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose.

“We’re cutting your miracles, Aziraphale. You can’t be trusted with unlimited miracles, obviously.”

“Wait, for how long?” There was something urgent in Aziraphale’s tone.

“Until it’s decided that you can handle yourself responsibly.” Gabriel shook his head as though this was the most obvious thing in the world.

Aziraphale searched for words to describe his feelings on this. They were all very negative words that he struggled for several minutes to form with his lips. Finally, his face just got red and he gave up.

“You’ve got a few sanctioned miracles this month. They’re all listed. I can’t believe the Lord babies you like this. Honestly, she should just smite you right now.” Gabriel handed Aziraphale a stack of papers. “I’ll leave you to your paperwork. I hope it was worth it.” Gabriel turned to leave.

“Wait, Gabriel! Can I just get one more thing signed off on?”

“Aziraphale, if it’s about that hand-drawn noodle house in New York again, the answer is still ‘no’.”

“But it’s a treasure…” Aziraphale whispered forlornly, eyes cast to his paperwork.

***

Aziraphale jiggled his key in the bookshop door and took a moment to stretch his cramped fingers. Somehow, the stiffness from the paperwork had carried over even down on Earth. He kept glancing over his shoulder, looking for Gabriel’s angry eyes and sharp tongue.  
He shuffled in the door still defeated, still looking over his shoulder, when a sudden ‘hiss’ startled him back against the door.

“Oh, it’s you!” Aziraphale put a hand to his chest in relief. It was the serpent Crowley.

“I thought you were someone else!” they both said in unison.

For some reason, Crowley followed this with, “I wasn’t scared.” Though Aziraphale noticed he squirmed rather more like he was.

Aziraphale looked the snake in the eyes. Funny how a serpent’s eyes could look so tender in comparison to Gabriel’s lilac ones. Crowley tilted his head and sniffed the air with his forked tongue. Aziraphale shook his head to clear his thoughts.

“You shouldn’t be here. Gabriel’s been breathing down my neck! He’s probably asking God right now to strike me down on the spot.”

“You were gone,” Crowley said.

Slowly he began to take on his human form.

“Don’t transform on my account.” Aziraphale wasn’t sure, but he had a notion that it was probably easier for Crowley to remain a serpent. Something about the way he moved as a man looked like it took either a whole lot of effort or a whole lot of pain, possibly both. But Crowley never spoke about it and Azirpahale was too polite to ask.

“I’ll make some tea,” Aziraphale gestured as he made his way across the room.

“Make that rum,” Crowley called through his serpent jaws. He slithered toward the couch. Aziraphale returned shortly with one tea, a bottle of rum, and two glasses.

“Are you going to tell me why you’re here, in my shop at a time when I’m being scrutinized for every tiny thing?”

“Ngk! Rather not,” Crowley replied stuffing his face in his coils.

Aziraphale sipped his tea. “Perhaps I’ll do the talking then.” He paused, not sure where to start.

“I couldn’t find you.” Crowley’s voice was muffled in his coils.

“Discorporated.” Aziraphale massaged his writing hand.

Crowley, still on the floor, turned just person-shaped enough to down his drink.

“I think I’ll have one of those myself.” Aziraphale poured himself a drink and refilled Crowley’s. “I’ve been punished. I scarcely understand it, honestly. You would think God would agree with me on things like this.”

“Mmmm… things like what?” Crowley said as he slithered up onto the sofa next to Aziraphale. Aziraphale shifted a little closer. Snakes sit close for warmth, don’t they?

“You know. The important things,” Aziraphale replied.

“What did you do?” Crowley stared into Aziraphale’s eyes for just a moment. He knew he shouldn’t have.

“I had a chance to save people and I took it.” Crowley didn’t have eyelids but he sure wanted to squint at him suspiciously.

“What people?”

“Well… there’s this restaurant in Osaka.” Crowley came into his full human form for this. It’s hard to roll your eyes when you are a snake.

“I knew the Tsunami was coming. That’s why I needed to go and eat there one more time, but once I got there everyone was so kind to me and I… Well, I convinced everyone in town to hole up at the restaurant. I told them to order the sashimi.”

“And then?” Crowley closed his eyes. Don’t look at him. Don’t encourage him.

“Then I protected the place, of course. As one does. A beautiful miracle.”

Crowley shook his head.

“I didn’t stop the tsunami or anything! I’m not stupid!” Gabriel had made him feel so very stupid.

“Angel, what did you do?”

“Well, my intention was to walk on water. Very choppy, tsunamis.”

Crowley made several sounds. Aziraphale wasn’t exactly sure what any of them meant.

“You’re an idiot.” His cheeks flushed red as he said this. “So, what’s the punishment then?”

“No unauthorized miracles.” Aziraphale looked like a martyr, eyes toward Heaven. Crowley was doing his best not to look at him.

“At all?” Crowley replied.

“At all.” Aziraphale downed another shot of rum. “Which comes at a terrible time, really.” Aziraphale dipped his head and peered over at Crowley.

“And why’s that?” Crowley poured them both another glass. He wasn’t going to look. Aziraphale stared at his glass and sighed.

“There’s a restaurant in New York that needs a miracle.”

“Oh, angel.”

“What I’m asking is, would you care to dine with me at a charming little hand-drawn noodle shop in New York’s China Town?”

“I’ll get my coat.”

They both got up from the sofa and walked toward the door. Aziraphale paused. “Is that my tartan blanket all balled up on the floor by the front door?”

“How’d that get there?” Crowley stuffed his arm into his sleeve. Aziraphale examined the blanket.

“There’s a snake-skin in it,” Aziraphale said.

“Must be someone else’s.” Crowley shrugged. Aziraphale eyed him suspiciously then smirked at him.

“You ol’ bugger, you missed me, didn’t you?” Aziraphale’s smile lit up the room. 

“No. I had no one to thwart. I was bored…” Crowley stated. 

Aziraphale looked as though he wasn’t fooled. 

“Ok, maybe it was a little lonely,” Crowley conceded. 

“You wily devil! Shall we go? You’re going to love this place. Their noodles are to die for!”

“That’s what I’m afraid of, angel.”


End file.
